When Anxiety Is Not A Symptom, But A Way Of Life

After a long day of work and responsibility, I finally find myself where my soul longs to be. I sit down at the computer, and I place my fingers upon the keyboard, all the while mentally and emotionally prepping myself for whatever is to come.

The first wave of anxiety hits and I feel an aching sensation flush from my head, down to my neck, through my arms, my legs, to my feet and onto the floor.

I can’t do this.

I hesitate, but by now I have learned to then begin again. Perhaps holding on to lives travesty is what makes life feel so insurmountable to me at times. Writing is a form of validation for me. When my pain and heartache is validated, I can begin to let go. This heartache and anger, sadness and grief is necessary for my transformation into, as Brene Brown says, “a whole-hearted & authentic self”. To me this is my art form. This is my self-expression. Whether it is any good or not, I cannot say.. but I do know that this is where my heart, mind, body and soul connect. They all come together in an intrinsic cycle of feminine flow that is my life source. My anxiety subsides and as mind to heart, heart to body, body to soul, soul to mind connect, I feel the anxiety as it flows out through my fingertips and onto the page and I am free.

The End Of Us (The Beginning Of I)

Nauseated from the roller coaster ride my married life has been, I come to my knees in surrender and I wave my white flag. But this surrender is different than most. It is different in that I find my being is consumed with a sweet sensation of liberation. I can with no doubt say that I have given it all that I could. Perhaps more than I should. My marriage, in all honesty, felt like being cuffed to an unpredictable jack in the box with a face that you could never forget. I never knew when his sickness would rear it’s ugly head. This (I have to say it..) is not a story of redemption in the sense that, my dear heart, my marriage has indeed failed. It has failed in the sense that I did not hold tight to the vows I made that nerve splicing day on March 12th, 2012 in Bell Court House, Fort Hood, TX. However, what has most definitely been redeemed is my sense of self. My marriage has not failed me in that it has catapulted me into a reality where I am in control of my own story. Living on the edge emotionally with a sex addict was like being locked inside of a room full of psychotic patients who all wore the same face (My face). To not trust oneself because of deep traumatic injury and lack of psycho-therapeutic intervention, is by far the worse turmoil I have ever and hopefully will ever experience. In letting go of my marriage, I gained back the most important person in my life; myself. If I were to continue to live while lacking my sense of self, my life would be void and those that I love the most would suffer in turn.